The unthinkable happens

There are still a few nightmares floating on the edge of my horizons that could materialize, but I work very hard not to give them any energy. Many of the things I dreaded or feared or worried about happening, in fact became reality for me. Among them, divorce, latch key children, dispensing negative attention, and so on. I’ve heard it is because so much time and energy goes into worrying about the potential, it pulls the fears into reality. I could absolutely swear I’ve given equal time to positive dreams, yet somehow they still evade my experiences.

Nevertheless, I find that when bad things happen, either to me or to a dear friend or family member, I am astonished and overwhelmed because the least likely event has clobbered someone I care about.  

When I came home and listened to a phone message from my friend Ramona, I heard a heavy sadness in her voice as she said she had some bad news. Calling her back I wondered at the possibilities but nothing prepared me for hearing that her only sibling, her brother Carl, was dead. Remembering that he had a heart attack about five years earlier, I asked if it was that which took him and in a teary voice she said no, he took his own life.

I gasped in disbelief, oh my God. Words feel so wooden in view of terrible grief. I tossed and turned all night thinking of my friend so distraught – her anguish in examining what she knew of his life and what unexpressed demon haunted him to despair. They lost both parents a few years apart about a decade ago and neither Ramona nor Carl had children. She has found some comfort in talking with a priest, but it will always be there, like a familiar ache that never completely stops throbbing.

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